After I read the whole thing, I can only say that what you’re feeling is very… human. It’s a great thing to realize and actually do something to rectify your mistakes or improve yourself in general. I know a number of people who refuse to even acknowledge their mistakes and thus get stuck in a vicious cycle. Well done for actually realizing your shortcomings which by the way, all of us have! I wish you all the best in your journey to be a better person (You already are a good person. I mean, you’re actually making effort to be amazing Santa…) and thank you for sharing your story! :)