It’s Not Worth It
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I was writing this piece when I was very sick. I was so sick I was hospitalized. High fever. Pain in my body. Dizziness. I was hospitalized earlier this year for about 10 days (for wound infection) but this time it felt completely different. I was way more miserable. So, I sat up on my hospital bed and pondered.
Why was I more miserable this time compared to the last time I was hospitalized?
Okay, no one likes to be sick. No one likes to be hospitalized. It sucks. But I believe that I’m the kind of person who can find the silver lining in everything. When I was hospitalized earlier this year, I used my time in the hospital to the best of my ability. I read, I wrote, I learned.
What changed?
Then it hit me. What made me more miserable this time — after a careful self-reflection — was my inability to think clearly, thus limiting the things I was able to do. My fever — when it reached 39 degree Celcius — had muddled my mind and took away its ability to think. I couldn’t function properly.
The fever went up and down like an elevator and I was writing this piece when the fever went down and I was at one of my vivid hours.
I realized then my misery stemmed from not being able to perform my mind tasks. My brain was numb (I don’t know how to describe the sensation). I understood from the beginning that physical exercise was out of question, just like the first time I was admitted earlier in the year. But this time, I also couldn’t do the other things that I love doing. Reading and writing.
I tried reading but it tired me so quickly and I actually felt dizzy after a while. I wanted to write but my thoughts are all jumbled up. I couldn’t think properly.
My feeling of misery came from the feeling of helplessness. I’m quite a productive person when I’m at my best. I exercise, write, read and learn every day. I try to improve myself daily and suddenly everything is ripped away from me.
This is also when I realized that material things won’t affect me as much as my faculties. Rob me of all my material possession and it won’t do as much damage of robbing me of my physical and emotional health.
Funny thing is a lot of people don’t realize this until they are ill. Hospital is actually a good place to learn life lessons. People are so worried about their material possession, they sacrifice their health in the process. Anxiety and stress. Sure, a lot of jobs out there are very high pressure. But how difficult it is to make 15 minutes a day to do simple exercise and meditate?
Yes, you heard me right. Even 10 minutes of exercise plus 5 minutes of meditation make a difference. Yes, I’ve tried this previously when I was very busy. Yes, it worked marvelously.
I am now out of my misery. I am healthy again. It will take a bit of time to recover. Physical exercise is still not recommended at the moment but I won’t just sit still and do nothing. I will write, I will read and I will educate myself on how to pursue my dream.
Take this from the girl who just got hospitalized for 3 days (such a short time but it felt like eternity!), whatever you’re stressing about, it’s really NOT worth it.
